Do Not Tell Me Not To Worry

"Relax."
"Don't worry."
"Be sure of yourself."
"Everything is ok and normal."

You know what's not helpful? All of those statements. And as mothers of children who are older than our peers, sometimes we say these things to other mothers looking for help, thinking we are being helpful. When really, we should just shut the hell up.

As a new mother, the world of parenting is "holy shit, what have I gotten myself into, all I wanted was a back rub and now I have a screaming 2-year-old" kind of scary. It's full of self-doubt and conflicting information and long books and self-important blogs (not this one though, definitely not this one.) So of course, when faced with a dilemma such as, "how do I get my child to eat anything other than food that is the colour blue?" we follow our primal instincts and go back to the tribe. The tribe of mothers. Those women who have been in the trenches and have come out alive, with seemingly well-adjusted children who eat the whole rainbow and go the bathroom IN THE POTTY. We put our hearts on our sleeves and we ask them "how? what? why? when?" and we pray that just one of those answers will result in the addition of peas and carrots and maybe even lentils to the dinner repertoire, a successful night's sleep, finally saying goodbye to the soother.

And then, like the sweeping curtain of Trump's combover, the feedback comes in like a tidal wave.

"I know how you feel!"
"I tried XYZ and it worked like a charm for us."
"My mother says this 1234 always worked for us."
"Tell me when you find out the answer!"
"Me too."

And for a moment you have a swatch of solutions that just might, possibly, for a single night, meal, car ride, work. There is hope, a light at the end of the tunnel you call the bedtime routine.

But inevitably, the feedback takes a turn into something akin to the First Wives Club, only this time is the More Experienced Moms Club and they're telling you:

"Relax."
"Don't worry."
"Be sure of yourself."
"Everything is ok and normal."

You know what? I CAN'T RELAX. I AM NOT SURE OF MYSELF! IF I WAS SURE OF MYSELF WHY THE HECK WOULD I BE POSTING IN A G.D. FACEBOOK GROUP?!?

Let me tell you that I'm not coming to the tribe with a question because I need to be told to relax. You know what's relaxing? Having a complete stranger tell you you're overreacting. Yup. Super relaxing.

I don't pretend to be above this. Oh no, I know that I have done this too. It's so easy to look back and see that of course, eventually, they let go of the need to wear the same shirt in a row for 30 days. It's so easy to look back and laugh at how paranoid you were that they might not actually turn over onto their stomachs. As one astute dad once told me, "I've never met an adult who cannot turn over from their back to their stomach." But it doesn't mean that in the moment, you can see into the future. It doesn't mean that you're not worried about it RIGHT NOW. It doesn't mean that you can just throw out vague statements that imply you are overreacting because it's condescending, not helpful.

Real solutions are helpful. Have a tip about how you taught your child to tie their shoelaces using a YouTube video and string cheese? I want to hear THAT. Did you potty train your child by keeping a bucket of suckers next to the toilet? Sounds GREAT! If you can tell me on which night of walking your child back to bed 32 times that they actually staying in bed, that will give me a realistic expectation of what my jail sentence (I mean week) is going to look like.

Yes, every child is different. We all know that. But there are similarities, common roadblocks, and shared experiences that can help us wade through this loaded minefield of parenting. We owe it to each other to take a moment and ask ourselves the same question you would ask when buying a bottle of tequila for a birthday present:

"Is this going to help the person I am giving it to? Or is it really more about me?"

So the next time you're sitting at coffee with a fellow parent, logging into to your local chat group, or dolling out paint at parent participation preschool and that parent asks you for any tips or suggestions on how to stop little Johnny from only eating the marblestyle cheesestrings for breakfast, lunch and dinner perhaps either offer a real solution that worked for you or say "man, I remember how hard that was for us."

And keep your relaxation breaths to your damned self.

~ H