Monday, March 5, 2012

Shame, shame, double shame

Tonight I had a mini-breakdown (less than 10 minutes spent crying) about what I felt was a selfishness on my behalf. Prior to being a mom, I relished my alone time and often spent hours on the computer, or longer ago, time in front of my sewing machine working on a project. Now, it seems as though every time I have a spare alone minute and I just get settled in front of the computer, television, sewing machine, Kitchenaid mixer, etc. then bam! the baby monitor starts flashing the red lines and the babe's screams echo through the ducts to wherever I am. And for a moment, or a long while, I am mad at her. Insert shameface here.

I know I'm a good mom, and if ever I forget it my husband is quickly there to bolster my spirits and remind me. But I do feel ashamed that I so crave time to myself, frequently, and that the craving results in anger, however short lived, towards my daughter when it is interrupted. I love that little baby with all my heart and of course she is more important to me than updating my credit card information online or finishing the stitching on a table cover. My frustrations easily mount these days when I'm working on little sleep and a sore body and I often find myself lashing out at those closest to me (read: my husband and our fat beagle).

To remedy this I am attending an extra yoga class this week and allowing myself as many Walmart Skor cookies as I like (maximum 6, because there are 6 in the container). I am also trying to communicate better with my husband, not a strong suit of mine but I'm working on it.

~ H

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