Thursday, November 15, 2012

Mothers and daughters

So I am watching Joy Luck Club, a personal favorite of mine, and I feel there's something I haven't spelled out in my blog. I am a motherless daughter raising a daughter.

I haven't written this post because it is hard. It is not something that I want to write. But it is something that is so consuming, such a part of my everyday life, that I feel like a fraud by not writing about it until now. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I don't have wonderful amazing mothers of all ages to call on when I am in need. Because I do and they are fantastic and have gone above and beyond for me and our family. But there's something different about it being your mom, the one who raised you, the one who knows your milestones and says "I remember...".

I miss that experience of asking my mother how she handled a newborn, when I first teethed and how she handled my teenage rebellions, of which there were many. Because at 18 I wasn't thinking about asking her how to parent, how to be a role model, and how to be a wife. At 18, I had other priorities. And then, quickly, it was too late.

And to the complicated-ness of our situation that my Dad is no longer with us either, and as a only child there are no brothers or sisters to round out the mix. Any frame of reference to myself as a baby is gone. I deal with it in the only way I know how, voicing my feelings when I am able, cocooning when I am not. A quiet sigh from my mouth as The Babe marks another milestone. A absent reach for the phone to call a number that no longer exists. A swell of happiness when a family member tells a story of my cousins and I as babies. A random drive by of our old house to spark childhood memories. There is something about being able to ask your mom for help and advice that is so calming; I see it in my friends, how they can go from frantic to peaceful with one phone call (and the reverse also, I must admit). It is hard not having that.

Between the time of year (holiday season), the fast approach of The Babe's first birthday,the change of pace by returning to work, and of course, The Joy Luck Club, my emotions have kicked into hyperdrive. Don't worry, the next post will most likely be a return to bathroom etiquette or mealtime woes ;)

But for now, hug your mom or your daughter.

~ H

1 comment:

  1. Great post. Thanks for sharing.

    I don't remember when you were a baby, but I can tell you that when you were a toddler you learned to defend yourself from annoying relatives ;) And that was an important milestone!