Know when to fold em

I am facing a dilemma. As maternity leave draws to a close, my future as a working mom hangs in the balance. I am at a crossroads. I applied for a management position and didn't get it, based on two specific areas of experience, so my options are to stay in my current role and most likely gain no more experience in those areas while paying the cost of full-time daycare for two children, or leave my job and stay home for the next year and two months until The Babe is in Kindergarten and childcare costs drop dramatically but it creates a hole in my resume, or leave my current role and begin full-time job hunting for something where I can continue to gain the experience I need and want and if found, decide whether or not to put the kids in full-time daycare or have my husband stay home until school begins. No path is right or wrong, black or white, and each has its pros and cons.

To say it is consuming me would be an understatement. I play out each scenario as I am brushing my teeth, flipping the laundry and planning my next few weeks. I am creating budgets, reading articles and consulting a few people who have been in this scenario before. On the one hand, I read somewhere that if you have been lucky enough to receive a post-secondary education, you owe it to the institution to follow through and use that education. Which to me means working in my field. On the other hand, countless people have taken me aside over the last year and told me that you don't get this time back, your babies are only babies once. That if I have the opportunity to stay home for a little while, I should seriously consider doing it.

I am reading article after article about the mass exodus of educated women leaving the workforce after becoming mothers and I feel a kinship to this unnamed mass. With no family nearby to take care of our girls during the day, daycare is the only choice. Our daycare is on the more expensive end, but it works for our lives and we have a bond with the staff, which is worth the money. Changing daycares to save money so I stay in my current role is not the way my priorities work. I have yet to explore the freelance and contract world, this is on my task list for next week.

I feel as though I have spent the last two days in a fog, not entirely present for my husband and the girls. I am sad and confused. But perhaps this is a good thing. It is forcing me to sit down and work out exactly what my priorities and goals are. It is forcing me to write about it, always a cathartic process. As I go through this weekend, Father's Day weekend, I will be thinking about my own parents and the decisions they made. I will spend the weekend with friends and family and then I will approach next week with clarity and a positive outlook.

If you have found yourself in a similar situation, please feel free to weigh in with your process and outcome here.

~ H

Tummy troubles

I have a tummy. I would love to say it came from my babies, but that would be a lie. It has been there for as long as I can remember, smaller and larger depending on my workout regime, diet and alcohol intake. It is something I struggle with daily because, on the one hand, I want my girls to embrace their bodies and love all their parts so I should too, but on the other hand I could follow and share the advice that if you don't like something, try to change it. I have never done anything for a consistent amount of time to reduce my tummy, so I am not sure that I would still have one if I did. But here I stand, constantly battling with my wardrobe in the morning: do I dress to hide it, picking drapey shirts or ones with strategic gathers, or do I say "this is me" and wear a form fitting t-shirt or tank top? I hate to think my daughters may go through this same dilemma. It is such a useless dilemma to ponder. I hate to think my daughters would go through it because they saw me go through it.

Which brings me to the reason behind he dilemma in the first place. Between #fitfam hashtags, Whole30 lifestyles and Crossfit converts I am bombarded with ways to change my shape - if I choose to. But should I? I can work to change what appears to be my forever body type or I can work to embrace my body exactly how it is. Neither option seems right or wrong, just different forms of self-love. Working your body at the gym or spend the time with my family. Eat whatever I want (donuts, cheese, more donuts) or stick to trying new recipes for lentils and veggies in the kitchen (not kale, never again, not even as chips loaded with salt). I could go the rec centre gym, work with a trainer twice a week while The Babe is at preschool and put Baby Macaroni in the babysitting room they have. But that is my only one-on-one time with her, and there is also a nap in there. And is that really how I want to spend my time? Slaving away without my kids to be more comfortable in my own skin? I want to be more comfortable in my own skin period. I want to look in the mirror and say "damn! I like what I see!" It shouldn't just be my husband saying ;) I need to say it too. But I would love to be active with my kids in a way that is fun and fat-burning at the same time.

If abs are made in the kitchen, how much stock should I put in enjoying my food? Are grilled chicken salads and steel cut oats the way I should be going? I wouldn't say we eat badly. There is almost always a protein, a veg and a carb option for dinner. Some nights it is two veg and no carbs! But we definitely use salt and butter and portion sizes are not a huge priority. I incorporate a meatless meal once a week and I frequently make egg muffins for a quick breakfast. Post-dinner TV snacks almost always happen as well.

I think what I am most concerned with is not having a stance. Embrace or work for what you want? I want my girls to like what they see when they look in the mirror. Powerful arms, jelly bellies or larger feet - I just hope they like what they see. 

~ H

The snacks

I recently read a list of things I didn't know about being a parent before I became one and one thing resonated more than the rest. The snacks! Seriously! At least twice a week I get out of the house and arrive at a toddler-focused activity to be greeted with "Mom I'm hungry". To which I silently respond with the F word. Out loud I say, "I'll see what's in my bag". 

You know what's in my bag? Nothing! Because I forgot to restock the snacks. Again. I never knew how many snacks in so many different forms I would need when I became a mom. I need dry snacks, savoury snacks, sweet snacks and water. I also need snacks for me, and now I need small snacks for the baby. 

They can't be just any snacks either. They cannot be granola bars for The Babe, she would rather starve. They cannot be squeeze pouches, because she will take two squeezes and declare she is finished. Raisins are hit and miss (I get that). Graham bunny crackers used to be on the no fly list, but I believe they have been allowed back into the rotation. I feel like toddler snacks could be seen as a parental draft pick. You buy a box, invest the money, and ride out the season to see which kind rises to the top and which gets benched one week in. 

Heaven forbid I toy with the idea of buying Welcher's fruit juice snacks - those set my mommy guilt rating at a level 5 red. The desire (need, societal expectation) to make my own snacks is overwhelming, but most of the time when I do, The Babe not-so-politely tells me my coconut flax seed energy balls are gross and she wants cheesy bunny crackers. Or I make delicious ants on a log and she proceeds to pick the ants off and scrape out the peanut butter with her finger, leaving a hollow log and dead ants on her plate. AAAAAHHHHH! I am stuck in the 7 levels of snack purgatory hell and I cannot find the Ritz mini sandwiches to get me out of here.

Of course Pinterest is both my friend and my enemy on this front. On the one hand, there are endless pins of "30 Snacks For Your Toddler" which serve as a helpful inspiration when I am in a rut. Single serving hummus and baby carrots? Love it! Thanks for the idea! However it also sets my expectations widely out of reach - see energy ball reference above. Even now, as I write this, I am looking at a box of almost too ripe kiwis on my counter and wondering if I could make fruit roll ups out of them. Then I laugh at myself, remembering I do not have 3 hours to sit around with my oven on low once I am finished peeling, blending, squishing, and spreading out these ripe kiwis on a baking sheet to be later cut up and tied with a colourful rope of which I do not own and would need to make a trip to Michael's for. Harrumph.

I'm looking for feedback on this one people. Are you in snack hell or finger food heaven? What is your go-to snack stash? Do you make your own...(fill in the blank here and it's okay if you write wine)?

~ H

Frugal mom or cheap mom

I prefer the term "frugal" but more often of late, my husband and one or two friends have called me cheap. And not in the endearing "cheap date" kind of way either. I just laugh, because maybe, just maybe, I am cheap. 

Case in point - recently we had an amazing day at the zoo with a friend. I packed all our snacks and made us to-go coffees before we left. I insisted we leave the zoo before lunch because I refuse to buy the overpriced concession meals. This is the case whenever we go to an attraction - the zoo, aquarium, fun fair, wherever. I do not like to spend money on food when we are out somewhere. That day I caved and bought a small bag of chips because we were all starting to get a case of the hangry's. My husband always berates me for my refusal to buy concession food - but I just can't do it!!

However this inevitably leads to a hungry mom and dad, and when I am hungry I cannot even think straight. The hunger is as loud as a locomotive rushing through my head chugging "feed me, feed me, feed me." When travelling through Europe with my stepsister in our 20's the rule of trip, we learned two days in, was keep her warm and me fed. When I am hungry I often snap at whoever is around, so trips to the zoo and aquarium don't always end on good note. One would think this would cause me to change my ways. But I am also stubborn.

This is a small example of the big picture of how I live as a mom. Not on sale? Not buying it! Can I find it used? If not, maybe I will wait. Clearing out your summer stock for 80% off. Perfect for next year's wardrobe. Don't get me started on Baby Macaroni, who I recently bought what may have been her first brand new item from me, ever. I buy most of The Babe's clothes at swap meets, because the stuff there is a fraction of the price and she is growing so fast. The result tends to be mismatching patterns and winter prints in spring, but hey, no judgments okay? Reindeer become moose, elves become gnomes and snowflakes..well those are just snowflakes. I buy her the cheaper runners from Superstore, because childrens Nike and New Balance runners fit for a millisecond but are bloody expensive. I do not think I am alone on this, am I? 

When my mom used to take me to the movies she would sneak in homemade popcorn in brown paper bags. It was light on butter but heavy on salt. I would beg for movie theatre popcorn but she rarely caved. I used to think she was cheap. Now I can not only understand, I do the same thing with the sweet treats! I have become my mother in all her frugalness. It's just that life has become so darn expensive; I try to find savings wherever I can. I don't see this changing anytime soon, so my kids will just have to learn to like it. Or starve. Or go naked. 

Oh my. I really have become my mother.

~ H

PS - in search of savings, I tried to make my own dish soap. Lesson learned? Buy Dawn on sale. Save yourself the time and the very disappointing results.

Listening ears

You know the ones? The listening ears? The ones you ask your child to put on morning, noon and night? Yeah, those ones! Todays post is about when the listening ears don't work, selectively turned off at the most inopportune times. 

After a great morning of shopping, playground activities and an excellent demonstration of sharing a most-coveted swing with a friend, The Babe, Baby Macaroni and I continued to enjoy the outdoors with a walk with a friend around a nearby lake. Exercise was had, snacks were eaten and no ducks were harmed in the process of circling the lake. By all measures it was a success. Then it was time to pack up and get in the car. And this is when we all began to unravel. Because when The Babe stops listening and acting out, I get embarrassed. Yes. Embarassed. When embarrassed at her behaviour, one of two things happens. I either over-discipline or under-discipline. I yell or I beg. I stop her from running away from me by bear hugging her or I threaten to never ever ever bring her to the park again. (Of course we will go to the park again. That is just a ridiculous notion altogether.) I silently curse her for making me look like a bad parent. 

BUT SHE IS 3! She has not spent the last half hour scheming as to how she can make me look. She has been looking at ducks and eating popcorn and doesn't want it to end. Or, if it must end, can't it end by dancing around the trunk space of our Subaru? She is not malicious and she is excitable, so why does it bother me so much? Why do I care what anyone thinks about my parenting? Why do I presume they think anything at all?

Mom-shaming is a buzz word right now, but here's the thing - no one has shamed me except me. No one has said anything negative to me about The Babe or Baby Macaroni. No one looks at what I feed them and dress them in and comments on it. No one says, "wow she is very badly behaved". I'm the one who chastises them and myself for not living up to some invisible standard of behaviour and discipline. So it is time to change that because I have some pretty awesome kids and I don't say that enough. It's time to get over myself and say, "yeah, I probably wouldn't want this fun day to end either, so I get why you are acting crazy when it is time to leave." And then breathe. It's time to stop caring what other people think, because they probably don't care one way or the other; they probably don't notice at all.

~ H

Scary-led weaning

Baby-led weaning or BLW as it is referred to by some is the scariest shit I have ever done. Am doing, I should say. A little back story: I decided that in order to save time and sanity, I will not be making the 5-star Annabel Karmel style baby purees for Baby Macaroni, like I did with The Babe. It was time-consuming, labour-intensive and downright maddening if she didn't end up liking the batch I made. I also wanted to forgo the constant spoon feeding the second time around. I have a toddler to wrangle now, as well as myself to feed, so BLW seemed to be a way to do it all. The idea behind BLW is that babies join the family at the table and eat pieces of food by gumming the stick and finger-shaped pieces of food. Other than salty foods, honey, certain fishs and high fiber foods, every food is fair game according to the information I read.

So I bought the book, shopped for the groceries and away we went. And then stopped. And then started again, sort of. I gave Baby Macaroni half a red pepper to knaw on. She loved it! Success! Then she broke off a twoonie-sized chunk in her mouth and I panicked. I fished it out with my finger, a BLW no-no, and gave her back the rest of the pepper hesitatingly. The next night, a quarter of an apple. Same results. She loves the food, but gets mad when I take it out of her mouth. She gags on food, a BLW yes-yes, and my husband shudders. I posed a question on FB asking for tips and got some pretty helpful answers, but I still can't get past a nagging feeling that no matter what, a toast finger is a choking hazard. I also prefer to make her food rather than have her eat solely pouches of Superstore baby food. And there lies the problem. If I am terrified everytime I move outside the half Cheerio and steamed broccoli spectrum, is it really worth it?

Two nights ago I decided to be brave. After a few bites of cheddar cheese at lunch, we thought maybe a little cottage cheese at dinner would be a natural progression. Soft in nature, there would also be no choking hazard. What we didn't bet on was a reaction once the cheese and liquid touched the skin on her face, hands and legs. One trip to the emergency room later, which included an rather amusing conversation with a transient man, and we were given the all clear to go home and go to sleep. 

Now terrified of choking AND reactions, I am at a loss. Having a first aid kit next to me at the table while I gingerly give Baby Macaroni her next new fruit may be the only way we get through feeding her until she is 3-years-old. I sincerely hope not, but I just can't make any more damned baby beef bourginion which is destined for the blender.

~ H

Time to find a hobby part deux

So here we are again, with another 6 month old baby and me itching to find something to do for myself. I was here two and half years ago with The Babe and I decided to join a soccer team. Fast forward two and a half years and I ended up playing one full season with the team, and the second season was marred by a badly sprained ankle (not from soccer) and then ended mid-season by my pregnancy with Baby Macaroni.

Now that I am looking to get back into something, the horizon has changed. My team folded at the end of the season. I could join another team but there are two things stopping me: one is the time commitment of soccer and the other is my skills. The evening practices were not too bad but the weekend games in sometimes far away locations meant I could be gone for upwards of 4-5 hours which won't work with a baby who is still exclusively breastfeeding and not taking a bottle. The other thing stopping me is that while I enjoyed myself and maintained a good attitude, I didn't enjoy that I am not a good soccer player. I'm really not. Not playing any team sports growing up means I don't know where to be on the field before or during the play. I was like a 5-year-old just starting soccer, chasing the ball wherever it went and smiling a lot. 

So now what am I to do? I'm starting to run out of options or so it seems. I love yoga, but it definitely doesn't give me a team atmosphere which I seem to like. I do run, albeit a bit slower these days, so maybe I could find a running group again. I'm not keen on a gym membership because I'm not comfortable putting Baby Macaroni in the babysitting room yet and I like to be outside if the weather is nice.

But, when reading my previous posts, is exercise still going to be the thing that's gotta give in my life for awhile? I don't want to lose my sense of self while being a mom, if that makes sense. But maybe a sport will have to wait awhile, which might be okay. I need to have things for me, not just for my girls. But I am struggling to figure out just what those things are. Other than making pretty sweet hooded towels ;)

~ H