Pregnant and happy?

Pregnant and happy. Pregnant and happy! All of those punctuation choices are accurate, depending on when you talk to me. We learned in late November that we will be expecting Baby #2 in late July and the emotional roller coaster has been nonstop ever since. Some days I'm happy, telling people at work, thinking back to my first pregnancy, and pulling out my maternity clothes in anticipation of growing bigger. Other days the thought screams out to me, "WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!? OUR FIRST CHILD IS A TASMANIAN DEVIL!" usually as I am attempting to put a planking toddler into a Superstore shopping cart with the promise of juice boxes, apples and basically, the world, just so I can buy much-needed milk and cheese. Most days I'm just tired and extremely nauseous and wanting nothing to do with cooking or cleaning. This pregnancy is much more draining than the last one, or perhaps it is the presence of the aforementioned Tasmanian Devil which is causing me to have absolutely no energy or drive to do anything other than cook pasta or order pizza. I can't feel the baby yet, and I'm barely showing, so I don't really "feel" pregnant. Maybe that's why I'm not shouting it from the rooftops or organizing a photo shoot announcement?

There is also the fact that I know what we're in for this time. I know the sweet smell of baby, how intoxicating it can be, and how it is near impossible to not hold your newborn all the time. I know what insanity a lack of sleep for days on end can bring, and the dread that you feel going to sleep each night wondering, "how long will I get tonight?". I know that I will need water by the gallon, nutritious muffins to keep me going, and the support of my family and friends every step of the way. The only thing I don't know is how to take care of two children. How to keep The Babe from hating Baby Macaroni -we are calling the second baby Baby Macaroni because The Babe wants that to be his/her name. Note, when we ask her where the baby is, she also says "macaroni". (She may be fixated on macaroni.) What I don't know, is how I can stop picking up The Babe in my last months of pregnancy, when it's not physically feasible to do so. And I don't know how I can stop myself from eating all her cheesestrings when all I want is cheese, cheese and more cheese. Seriously.

I hear the same advice I heard when I was pregnant but from different people. "You'll figure it out. She'll be two and a half then, she can be your helper. It's way easier with the second child." What I want from those people is a guarantee. How is it easier? Is it easier because you know now that no matter how early you introduce carrots and broccoli, at some point that kid is going to refuse anything that isn't in a squeezable container? Because now I know now that if I let her cry it out, she may just figure out how to sleep on her own? Because even when she is being a wild animal, I know now she will eventually stop and give me a hug and maybe even share her cheese with me? I've been through labour once, so I know what I can expect, even though this time may be completely different or so I'm told. I've made it through teething with most of my hair intact, so this time I may actually be more prepared (not likely, but it's a nice goal to have). I do have a child who is pretty good at cleaning up, unloading the dishwasher and has begun helping us in the kitchen, so maybe the helper title will stick when the time comes. But I'm also scared. What if I can't handle two kids? What does the future hold for work goals, fitness goals and relationships goals? My husband and I have a hard enough time sorting out ever going out socially now, does this mean we won't have a night out for years to come? Will reading become something I look back fondly on, wishing I had more time for? WHO WILL DO ALL THE LAUNDRY?!?

This I know for sure - everything else aside - the biggest reason I have for choosing to have a second child will always supersede the hesitations I may be feeling from time to time. The Babe will now have someone who will be there for the family camping trips, someone who will embarrass her in front of her friends, and someone who will remember those times she forgets when she's older and will most definitely laugh either with or at her when recalling those stories. This is more important than teething woes, sleep deprivation in the short term (hopefully short term!) and lack of energy for the next 5 months. So when I'm complaining (which I will) or crying (definitely) or feeling as though I cannot do this (frequently), I need to remember the bigger picture. And have another cheesestring.

~ H

Terrible twos

We are in it. As in, stepped off the edge thinking we were in the shallow end but turns out there is no shallow end in this temper tantrum-filled pool of hysterics. The Babe went from eating everything to eating nothing; from diapers to peeing her pants in Starbucks after repeated attempts to go on the potty; from picking out her clothes to kicking the bejeesuz out of me when I try to put pants on her. For the record, I could care less if she wears pants, but it's January and people tend to think you're a crappy parent if you send your child to daycare without pants, in any month for that matter.

Not that she was a wallflower before, but at least The Babe didn't constantly use her body as a weapon of pain up until a month or so ago. What happened? Is it me? Is it her? Is it something in the water? She has begun refusing to get out of the car when we get home, which would be fine with me if she was still in diapers. I could vacuum and she could hang out in the car, everyone's happy. Just kidding? She also has begun to throw her food. Yep, and she started with oatmeal, my personal favourite to wipe off cupboards. I love that she chose a food which turns into cement when it dries. When inflicting damage, my girl goes for the good stuff. She is also refusing to go up or down the stairs unless she is carried. I'm not sure why. She weighs almost 30 lbs, so it's not cute anymore. I have tried just leaving her at the bottom of the stairs with promises of treats if she walks up unaided. Half an hour later I caved because I needed to make and eat dinner, and so the cycle continues.

Why does this happen and what do we do about it? I have read all the articles about pushing boundaries, testing the limits, blah blah blah but I need real situations and solutions. Patience is a virtue I often lack, and I realize my behaviour and reaction in these situations affects the outcome as much if not more, than hers. Do I be firm and realize she may end up sleeping at the bottom of the stairs because she is too stubborn to climb them? Do I only feed her food that can be cleaned up easily, such as Cheerios and raisins? Does using her body as a weapon result in a timeout, which I am not a big fan of for her because she doesn't seem to see it as a form of punishment? GAH! What's more frustrating is the lack of control I feel, the sense that I seem to be making it worse, not better.

I shall continue to read, consult my peers, and maybe accept that I may have a few bumps and bruises before this thing is over. I shall continue to try fun activities with her, even though the markers seem to leave the page and end up on her face and the Playdoh seems to leave the table and end up in the carpet. Maybe we can try cooking together again, as long as she doesn't smack me in the face with the spoon.

~ H

Baby weight race

I am standing in line with my groceries the other day and see the headline about Kim Kardashian's weight loss after baby. Immediately I am enraged. Why is this a "thing"? Why are women being told there is a race to lose the weight we gain while growing a human? In a society that puts a value on a thigh gap and sells the impossible dream of a 15-year-old body forever, how can mothers feel satisfied with our bodies?

Last night I was at a friend's house and we talked about baby weight. Here's what I had to say. Buy a bigger pair of jeans. Because it is exhausting trying to put on your old pair, only to hate yourself for not fitting into them. Buy a new pair and show off that sweet butt you have, thanks to a couple extra pounds of baby weight. You model that butt all over the room!

It's hard, in today's image obsessed society, to not have an issue with some part of your body. But while I may dislike my poochy tummy, I would hate it even more if my daughter thinks the size of her thighs is important. I realize it's hard to quiet the inner dialogue, but I need to at least try. I want my daughter to know that it is important that she is a good friend, compassionate, and brave. I need to recognize the things I am doing right now, whether it's with her or around her, are shaping her perception of the world. I stopped watching the Real Housewives because it's garbage television and it's not behaviour I want my daughter to think is okay. We go grocery shopping together and she picks out the fruit and veggies she wants. Unless it's onions. Then I say no. Because onions are gross. She is getting to pick which one piece of candy she has after dinner because chocolate is not the devil and she walked for an hour for that candy. And we tell her that we love her, because we do and that's what matters most at our house.

All the moms I know are different shapes and sizes, but it doesn't change the fact that they are amazing mothers who love their children. When I read about celebrity moms weighing themselves on 17 different scales, it makes me sad. And mad.

Let's teach our children to love their bodies by modelling that behaviour. Instead of dieting, I want to learn more and cook more nutrious, good food. Let's talk about what we like about our bodies (my freckles and my butt) and ask people, including our kids, what their bodies help them do (run faster, give good hugs). I want my daughter to know how she feels about herself is more important than how she looks. 

I would also like her to tell good jokes, but that's a personal preference ;)

Where did summer go

So to make up for two posts in two weeks, I went over a month before another one! Clearly, consistency is not something I should put down as a top skill. As the title implies, I'm looking at the calendar and wondering where the H E double hockey sticks summer went?!? I feel like I blinked and it became fall. I usually feel this way, but this year it went by extra quick. A short (short) recap of our summer:

• My husband and I ventured away without The Babe, leaving her in the very capable hands of her grandparents. We went stand-up paddle boarding, wine tasting, walking, and day drank. It was awesome. It was nice to reconnect as adults and as a couple and spend time with friends just lounging. I even managed to read a whole book, much to my husband's chagrin. We came home recharged and relaxed.
• I took a midweek vacation day to walk onto the ferry and headed to Victoria for a 8 hours of eating and pampering with my sister-in-law. We ate some comfort food, went shopping, hit up a spa, and laughed. Add in some amazing weather for both my crossings, and it definitely was a slice of heaven for a short time.
• Other than the two days we took for our getaway and my one day trip, we have had no other time off work. So it's been a summer full of work and evening family time when we can manage.
• We have been tearing apart our backyard, and my husband has been tirelessly building us a new fence, garden boxes and clearing out old landscaping. We were rewarded with our first crop of fruit and vegetables and the crop just keeps on giving. It's been a learning experience for both of us - more watering, more weeding, more picking, and perhaps less beets next year. The highlight has been watching The Babe eat ripe, and unripe, strawberries right off the vine. I know now we made the right decision to not plant rhubarb due to the toxicity of its leaves. Now, what to do about the mildew on the zucchini leaves?
• Due to the yardwork, we haven't been able to enjoy our pool as much this year. Next year I'm aiming for some serious lounging furniture and perhaps tidying up the pool shed to create a little changeroom.

Finally I have been reading Don't Sweat The Small Stuff by Richard Carlson as my bedtime reading. Talk about a mind shift! Though it's hard to break behaviours which have been ingrained for years, I am making an effort to retain and practice what the books instructs. It's so simple and so applicable to life and everything in there exemplifies the kind of life I want and the type of family values I have. It's so easy to get caught up, become self-centred, need to be right, but when you put in perspective isn't thinking of what you have instead of what you want less tiring than the alternative? Doesn't focusing on consuming less versus more just make sense? 

I'm so tired of "stuff", so tired of sorting through the mess (physically and emotionally), and my life has had an exceptional amount of mess for the last five years - some self-inflicted and some out of our control. I'm trying to sort through the mess, focus more on the experience and less on the goods. It's a process, an unlearning of sorts, and I'm sure I'm driving my husband crazy with my bold statements on values and my obsession with throwing out everything we're not using right this second. We're getting there, not quickly by any means, but we're getting there. Emotionally and physically. 

So, with that in mind, anyone want a Wii with no controllers, but with Mario Kart and Dance Dance Revolution? Make me an offer. I'll use the money to take The Babe to the aquarium ;)

~ H

Something has to give

Two posts in two weeks, what?!?! Don't come to expect this ;)

I love being a mom. I now know what's it's like to have a little person wrap herself around me because she finds comfort in my hugs. I also now know not to use baking soda to take crayon off my walls, because it will take the paint off too (eff you Pinterest, you liar you). I have learned the art of distraction, and that if you sing "You Are My Sunshine" 30 times in a row, you will lose your voice. For me there is no nicer sound than the one of The Babe laughing. Plus she gives great kisses.

But here's one thing I don't love - the lack of time and subsequently, the loss of hobbies. I do not have enough time to exercise. I am not making excuses. I am looking at my list of grocery shopping, spending time with my child, dishes, lunch making, dinner cooking, replacing faded work pants, unpacking a storage locker, seeing a friend (rarely), cuddling my husband, weeding my new garden, cleaning (occasionally) and there is not enough time. Something has to give. And it seems to be exercise. How did I come to that conclusion? Well, we need to eat. We need to have clean clothes to wear to work and daycare. We need to love each other, and that takes effort. Having a garden reduces my grocery bills, and we need money to pay for things. Like clothes and daycare. I need social interaction, so occasionally seeing a friend is a must. Oh, and I have to sleep. A sleepless me = a fricking nightmare. And my husband helps and is supportive, so it's not a question of him picking up the slack. I haven't even mentioned his list here.

Now everyone's situation is different, and my loss of exercise rests on the fact that The Babe hates her stroller, despises the carrier, tolerates the bike trailer, but prefers to walk (slooooowly) everywhere. This limits the exercise I can which involves her such as running or hiking with her with any semblance of calorie burning. I can cycle with her, which I will try to do more often. And I did commit to an obstacle race in September with work that I am super pumped about. But I refuse to go to the gym and put her in childminding when I work full-time. That's not something I will do.

People don't talk about the things they give up when they become parents. It's not sexy to talk about how you gave up friends, or reading or vacations. But it happens and it's hard and sometimes it frustrates me. Why isn't there more time? You know those parents who say, "oh our lives didn't change too much, we take our little one to all the same places we went before,". No? Never heard that either, huh? Weird. I wish people talked about it more. Talked about what's hard, so that I would know I'm not crazy, selfish, failing, alone. Don't worry, I know I'm not! But I think there needs to be more transparency here people.

I'm dealing with it, knowing that there will be a time when my life may be more conducive to stand-up paddling sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays, or a morning yoga class. But right now, it's the something that has to give.

~ H

Celebrate Moms

I want to take a minute today to celebrate moms. The reason behind this? Last night I finally watched the entire SoulPancake video of Zac Sobleski's Last Days. It took me four attempts to watch it, because it hits fairly close to home for me and most days it's too overwhelming for me to watch. But last night I was in the right headspace and I finished it. Wow. That video will change the way you look at things, as least for a little while. One thing that struck me was at the end, Zac's mom says how lucky she was to be Zac's mom. It made me think of my friends and family members who are moms and how they may not realize how lucky their children are to have them as mom's. So here goes:

• To my sister - you go above and beyond in every aspect of being of a mom, from uber-creative birthdays to hours spent working on language, both verbal and signing. 
• To my sister-in-law who recently moved to a new community - you are doing an amazing job of trying to find resources for your son in your community and making the most of the natural surroundings you have access to. You have made a huge change and are doing a great job at keeping your son in touch with his surroundings and having lots of play.
• To my other sister-in-law who is raising twin boys. Those boys are lovely, full of smiles and jokes. You found a way to make full-time school and mothering work and are setting a fantastic example for your sons.
• To my lovely cousin whose son is the sweetest the baby I have ever met (for real), your love and kindness is so great that your son cannot help but brighten up any room he is in. Your warmth is something I miss, and something your son will always have to come home to.
• To K who is raising a daughter and building a business at the same time. You are an inspiration for those around you who want to make a change but are unsure how to do it. You did it and are doing it well, something your daughter will recognize as she grows up.
• To B, a new mom with a 2-month-old and an injured husband, you're doing great. You have a natural instinct to mother and it's evident to everyone you encounter. The rest is just background noise, because your love will get you through anything.
• To T who is raising a son and doing a killer commute full time to kick ass in the corporate world. Your determination and work ethic at work and at home is admirable and your son is a reflection of your easygoing nature, which we all love.
• To B who's ginger-haired babe is a hit everywhere she goes. You're focused on keeping your family healthy and balanced while balancing work. It's clear from your daughter's joyous nature that you're succeeding and building her up with love and determination.
• To C who's about to have two under 2, your positive energy is infectious and your daughter is a testament to that. Your patience is something I strive to emulate in my own behaviour.
• To T who works a different schedule from her husband and is parenting solo frequently, you are getting it done and still finding time to explore our city and create lasting memories with your daughter. Your drive is nothing less than amazing.
• To J, an old friend whose daughter is the light of my daughter's life, you were amazing in a crisis and the rock we all lean on. Your daughter will be stronger because you are her mother.
• To C who is raising a daughter, two dogs and studying for a new career, your commitment to a healthy lifestyle and balance is something your daughter will only benefit from, both in the short term and long run. Keep with girl!

And finally, to my soon-to-be moms, I know you have what it takes to be mothers and anytime you are scared or question what the future holds, just know that you are strong, kind women to begin with and you will only become stronger and kinder in motherhood.

Love to you all.

~ H

Crazytown

So we have reached (and now passed) the amazing 18-month mark when The Babe can walk, speak an amazing vocabulary, put on her own shoes, and more frequently than ever... act like an asshole.

I write this and realize that it is strong language, but it's true, and there is no other word which accurately describes the one-toddler show she seems to be putting on at home and in public places such as the local swimming pool, grocery store, ferry, etc. We've departed crying town and this behaviour train is now pulling into temper tantrum city where the scenery consists of full-body spasms, biting, and planking. The most fun is when she planks while I am attempting to buckle her into her car seat. I am careful as to how I handle the situation, because it never looks good to passerby when you are having to force your child into her carseat. Even if it will save her life. Even if you do have a book for her to read, a snack trapper of puffs, a sippy cup, a sock monkey toy, a kiss, a frickin' pony if that's what it takes. She nearly drowned herself at her last swimming lesson trying to break free of my hold in the pool. The instructor looked on with mild amusement and asked if she was "excited". Not the word I would have chosen.

It's a trying time in our house, as we would prefer she eat dinner, drink from her own cup, not wear her shoes on the couch and she does not agree. She also doesn't understand why she cannot ride on our backs around the top floor of our house for more than 5 minutes. Explaining pain and lack of flexibility of a 30+ body is lost on her young mind. And frankly, she could care less.

She is a crazy person with wild hair and a general disregard for danger. She jumps on chairs and eats books and screams with a shrill which could shatter glass. But in the blink of an eye, she is kind and loving and rubbing my back when I pick her up out of her crib. For a moment I forget, and we sit peacefully on her bean bag chair reading a book and laughing. She also is quite funny, and can dance to Macklemore like no one else. She blows kisses before smearing snot on the couch and running away, laughing as she goes.

Never have we faced such highs and lows, and I can't imagine it's going to change anytime soon. I have found a few tricks - giving her an apple to eat from the produce department the moment we enter the grocery store - and a few times I just say "she's crazy" to explain her behaviour. Because she IS crazy, but crazy is okay at our house because her mom is a little crazy too ;)

~ H