Mothers and daughters

So I am watching Joy Luck Club, a personal favorite of mine, and I feel there's something I haven't spelled out in my blog. I am a motherless daughter raising a daughter.

I haven't written this post because it is hard. It is not something that I want to write. But it is something that is so consuming, such a part of my everyday life, that I feel like a fraud by not writing about it until now. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I don't have wonderful amazing mothers of all ages to call on when I am in need. Because I do and they are fantastic and have gone above and beyond for me and our family. But there's something different about it being your mom, the one who raised you, the one who knows your milestones and says "I remember...".

I miss that experience of asking my mother how she handled a newborn, when I first teethed and how she handled my teenage rebellions, of which there were many. Because at 18 I wasn't thinking about asking her how to parent, how to be a role model, and how to be a wife. At 18, I had other priorities. And then, quickly, it was too late.

And to the complicated-ness of our situation that my Dad is no longer with us either, and as a only child there are no brothers or sisters to round out the mix. Any frame of reference to myself as a baby is gone. I deal with it in the only way I know how, voicing my feelings when I am able, cocooning when I am not. A quiet sigh from my mouth as The Babe marks another milestone. A absent reach for the phone to call a number that no longer exists. A swell of happiness when a family member tells a story of my cousins and I as babies. A random drive by of our old house to spark childhood memories. There is something about being able to ask your mom for help and advice that is so calming; I see it in my friends, how they can go from frantic to peaceful with one phone call (and the reverse also, I must admit). It is hard not having that.

Between the time of year (holiday season), the fast approach of The Babe's first birthday,the change of pace by returning to work, and of course, The Joy Luck Club, my emotions have kicked into hyperdrive. Don't worry, the next post will most likely be a return to bathroom etiquette or mealtime woes ;)

But for now, hug your mom or your daughter.

~ H

Working mom

I'm in my second week back at work and the consistent question I get from friends and family is "how are you doing?". Well, I'm doing o-kay. Not great, but not terrible. Just okay.

I like the work. The work is interesting and right up my alley. It's a new role for the organization, so I have a lot of input as to what my day-to-day looks like. The people are welcoming and friendly and tell me they are happy I am there. Which makes it so much easier to be there.

Where I am struggling is between 6-8am and 4:30-10pm. Because if I thought it was hard to get it all done when I was on maternity leave, I had it all wrong. I continue to be surprised to find, that after picking The Babe up from daycare, coming home, making dinner for her and for us (the adults), playing, bathing and nursing The Babe, cleaning up from dinner, making lunches while my husband puts her to bed, that after all that is done it is 9:15pm and it's pretty much time to go to bed. Those are also nights when I don't have any social commitments. The mornings are also an interesting mix of doing my makeup while telling The Babe not to rifle through the bathroom garbage, a verbal bargaining system to get breakfast eaten, and a dance around a hungry beagle just waiting for toast strips to be casually tossed on the ground.

I want to have special powers where I can freeze time, get everything clean and made, and then restart the time so I can have some semblance of quality time with my husband and The Babe. So far it seems to be limited to weekends, which seem to be filling up pretty fast with grocery trips, family visits and birthday parties. I realize some of this is my own making, but some of it just seems to be the way it is when you work outside the home. I guess I just need to figure out how to balance this stage of our life.

Fingers crossed I get it figured out before we start living off takeout and frozen dinners...

~ H

My last day

Of maternity leave that is. I have spent the last few days savouring my time both with the Babe and without her. We have gone swimming, taken a few walks, had some playdates with playmates and some major tickle fights. It has been lovely just focusing on enjoying her. It should have been like this the whole time, but a lot of the time I let life get in the way of my own happiness and put tasks over games. It's funny how when you have a countdown on, your priorities change.

I also took some time for me while the Babe integrated into daycare. I used up gift certificates on a manicure and lunch with a friend. I bought new (work) clothes and watched a movie at home. I had my hair coloured and I went to see a show with my husband. Because as of Monday morning, it's just work, family time and soccer for me. It was great to have some alone time and I definitely achieved a lot more shopping without a little one to distract in the changeroom!

The anxiety is still there. Less so about daycare because the Babe seems to be really enjoying herself there. She is napping there and is always climbing on something when I pick her up. More anxious because I miss her already. And because I'm worried about sick days (after reading another mom's post about using up all her sick AND vacation days when her kids got sick) and about the state my house will be in after the first two weeks at work. I desperately want to know that I'll be good at my job, because I so dislike the first week where you're figuring everything out an don't quite have a groove. In my varied work history I have had difference levels of personal/professional disclosure in the workplace and I'm interested to see what the balance will be in this new place.

I want to be able to handle it. I really do. I want to know that I'm making the right decision (I realize I'm repeating this sentiment in a number of posts). But tonight I know that I have spent the last two weeks giving the Babe all my quality time and she will be headed to daycare knowing her mama loves her and misses her during the day.

Wish me luck!

~ H

Back to work

So it's official - I start a new job in two weeks. I'm excited, anxious, worried, relieved and so many more emotions. How will The Babe do in full-time daycare? How will I do leaving her with someone else for more than just a one off? Am I doing the right thing by going back to work? Bah, so many questions!

Due to the fact that my new job works indirectly with kids, I choose not to discuss the specifics of what and where the job is. It is significantly closer to home, cutting my commute from a three hour round-trip to one hour, and it has benefits which was a major factor as my husband is self-employed and is covered under me. The commute was the major reason I began looking for a new role; I couldn't justify spending so much time away from my child if it wasn't be spent at work. The location of my new role is also close to a rec centre, which means I can get some exercise in as well (in theory).

But the mommy guilt, and a few faces who shall remain nameless, have me constantly questioning whether or not choosing to be a working mom is the best thing for my child. How can I know this? I can't! All I can do is try and see what happens. I know that I am passionate about the work that I do, as well as being passionate about my child, and I am content when I am doing the things I enjoy. I love being a mom, but I also love having something for myself and I'm excited to have new things to talk about over dinner.

I'm scared that the Babe won't receive enough attention and care at daycare. Is that a common fear amongst working moms? I trust the daycare provider and I know that socialization is huge for the Babe in order to be a happy human. I'm just nervous to not be with her, because it's been just the two of us during the days for the last ten months. How can I hand her over to someone else and say "here, please don't break her"? When I think about it, I am often reduced to tears.

Whew, deep breath. I just have to try and see what happens.

~ H

Time to find a hobby

Sorry for the delay in posting. My time has been stretched even thinner due to me deciding to, wait for it, play a team sport! I know! Those of you who know me know that I do not have a history of playing on teams. I tend to be a solo exerciser, either running or swimming or occasionally (alright, rarely) heading to the gym to workout. However recently a friend invited me to her soccer team's open practice just for the workout and I ended up really enjoying myself.

My husband and I have talked at length about the importance of putting the Babe in team sports when she is old enough. He grew up playing baseball and hockey and I like the idea of the sense of community and responsibility you learn when playing on a team. But it seemed a bit hypocritical of me to want her to excel in team sports when I myself play none. Well, not anymore!

I had my first game over the weekend and while I didn't magically turn into Christine Sinclair when I hit the pitch, I did manage to not score on my own team or knock one of my teammates down. It was scary heading out onto the field with all these women who have been playing for years and seem so comfortable in the game. It was also scary to try something new and not know if I was going to fail miserably. (Those who know me well have heard about my dalliance into softball and the injuries that followed.) But I did it, and I played almost the whole game until a prior injury sidelined me for the last 10 minutes. So I considered it a personal win and I'm looking forward to my next game. In the meantime, I am watching Youtube videos and borrowed DVDs to learn more skills and positioning so that hopefully next time I don't get hit in the ass with the ball. Again.

~ H

Daycare - the internal struggle

Oh daycare. My daily struggle with my values, my preconceived notions and my Scottish frugality. We are getting to the point where the maternity leave end date is in sight. Which brings forth the question: where are we going to send the Babe to daycare? We have already secured a spot at a nearby centre, but I'm always second-guessing the decision. We chose this daycare because it is close to home, a Montessori-based learning model which will come into play when she's older, has three different rooms so she can stay there until she's 5-years-old, and most importantly I got a great feeling about the staff there when I toured the facility. They rock the babies, hug the babies and give the babies the attention I think they need. So why the second guessing?

It's a little expensive, it's close to home but far from work, and then there's the heartache that comes with the thought of leaving the Babe at all. Everyone told me it's difficult to go from spending 24/7 with your child to heading back to work and leaving them for 8+ hours a day with virtual strangers. But I just didn't know it would be this hard. And I haven't even sent her yet! I myself attended several home-based daycares as a child and for the most part thrived in all of them. There were one or two where it just wasn't a fit, but I'm sure that terribly normal. So I'm not so nervous about the idea of her in a daycare. My husband did not attend daycare, so he doesn't have as much of a frame of reference. There are so many internal debates happening in my head right now it is hard to get another thought in. Back to touring another daycare today, something close to home and just as expensive as the first. Why another you might ask? I like to keep my options open and compare prices. It's the Scottish in me ;)

~ H

Sleep makes you do crazy things

Like bake twice in one day on a summery day. Because you have that much energy so you just say "why not?". A few weeks back we won an online contest for a full sleep consultation from the locally located Winks and Whispers. I was overjoyed! As you can read in previous posts, sleep is, sorry, was, a moving target at our house. Some nights the Babe woke up once for 10 minutes, sometimes four times for 8 minutes each, sometimes twice for an hour each time. I thought I was dying from exhaustion.

After an electronic questionnaire, an hour-long phone consultation, and receiving our personalized sleep plan in the mail, we were ready to go. The goal? To eliminate ALL nighttime feeds AND remove the Babe's soother altogether. I was unsure if it would work, but by this point four cups of coffee was making me jittery and I felt at times like I was losing my mind. But. It. Worked.

It worked so easily I could hardly believe it. The Babe has slept through the last three nights, only waking last night for a 2-minute cry and then back to sleep. I feel like I felt before I was pregnant! I even like my husband again (just joking) ((kind of)). I am so proud of her and of us because it really has been a joint effort between my husband and I.

Now, time to get started on all those Pinterest goals I set during the middle of the night ;)

~ H