Whole 30

"What was I thinking?" some of you have asked. There have been days I asked myself that same question. At the beginning of August I started the Whole 30, a "diet" which you do for 30 days (hence the name) and during which you avoid the following:

- dairy

- legumes

- grains

- sugar

- alcohol

- fun

The last one is not an actual part of the plan, but an addition by myself as a way to stick to the plan. Because going to a very fun birthday party on Day 10 where they are serving broccoli salad, cupcakes, wine and cheeseburgers is extremely hard. Excruciatingly hard. It certainly put my willpower to the test, as did the second birthday party the following day where there was a homemade peanut butter and jam ice cream cake with a peanut butter cookie crust. That's right, a peanut butter cookie crust! I ate a salad I brought from home that day, and died a little inside.

I did the Whole 30 for a few reasons. I finished nursing Baby Macaroni in the spring, however I still hadn't finished eating like I was nursing by mid-July. I was also feeling bloated all the time, and every time I saw a photo of myself I cringed. A friend had been talking about the Whole 30 over the past few months and I kept coming back to it. Checking it out on Instagram, reading the website, unable to shake my interest.

All of sudden I decided, "I'm doing this. Now." And I did. I borrowed the book from the same friend. I checked to see if my almond coconut was Whole 30 approved (it was, a rarity) and I have the most tempting sweets to my husband to hide from me. I did not purge the entire house of every sugary treat and carbohydrate. Other people have to live here too. I asked my husband if he would be on board for the dinners, which he agreed to. If I was cooking something a little more out there (spaghetti squash as noodles), then I also cooked regular pasta for everyone else. I stocked up on groceries and that was it - Day 1 on August 3rd.

Today is Day 30 and I have learned a lot about myself over the next 30 days, so I will sum it up in a paragraph or two ;)

I have strong strong willpower. Halfway through the 30 days we took a trip to Vancouver Island to visit family. I packed a cooler full of food for me, but one day we hit up a local beach and The Babe was sitting next to me eating a Kraft peanut butter sandwich on whole grain bread and I have never wanted to rip a sandwich out of someone's hands and devour it in two bites more than in that moment. There was also the aforementioned birthday parties. My husband sitting next to me in bed powering down a bag of Chicago mix popcorn had me almost tackling him for a sweet caramel kernel of goodness. But I drank my club soda and pure cranberry juice, munched on a few cashews and took deep breaths.

I have an amazingly supportive family. The same husband as above got up early one weekend, the weekend I was running an obstacle race with a team, and made me a Whole 30 compliant breakfast, right down to the cooking oil. He never complained about the lack of grains at dinner, and he is a carb guy. He told me he was proud of me. A lot. When travelling to visit my family, I told them about my diet and offered to make meals for everyone, not wanting to be a pain in the ass. To my pleasant surprise, not only were they supportive, they all planned meals I could eat during my whole trip. It was amazing, and definitely helped me to keep going.

I learned with enough protein and veggies and good fats, I don't need snacks in between meals. It was so interesting to get to 4pm and think, "oh! I can wait until dinner to eat!". This has not been the case prior to the Whole 30. I always thought I needed to eat small meals 6 times a day to keep my blood sugar up. Turns out, I just need to stay the eff away from Tim Horton's. Seriously, I can never go there again. That place is my kryptonite.

Lastly I learned that I can avoid alcohol for awhile but I definitely enjoy a beverage with friends and I also really miss sugar. I had two cheats over the 30 days and both were alcohol - one night it was two tall vodka sodas on a much needed Mom's night out and there was one post-obstacle race cider. But that was it! No other cheats! As for sugar, I have decided even though I have gone without for a month, coffee is still better with sugar. I will definitely be incorporating that back in. 

Want to know more? Wondering which recipes I am going to keep in the rotation? Just ask :)

Above: fried plantains from a recipe at Nom Nom Paleo. I love her site. 

Link: http://nomnompaleo.com/post/113854926293/fried-green-plantains-patacones-or-tostones

~ H

The dreaded toy purge

Ugh. I'm having a panic attack just thinking about it.

We have a boatload of toys in our house. Big toys, little toys, stuffies, McDonalds happy meal toys, musical instruments, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from the 80's, a dress up box, a play kitchen, a play workbench - the list goes on and on. Some of the toys are in a daily play rotation and some are collecting dust. But whenever I suggest to The Babe that we possibly give a few toys to other kids, I'm met with a resounding "Nooooooooooo" and tears. And so the clutter becomes more clutter, the toys begin to stack up, and I can feel the space shrinking by the minute. 

The thing is, not only does she not have a favourite toy, she also has an excellent memory. I pulled out a stuffed toy she had not put hands on for at least 6 months and as I put it in the donation pile, she began to cry and told her dad that I was giving away a very special gift someone had given her over a year ago. Seriously?!? How do you remember that, but not what you had for lunch today? The clutter problem is compounded by the fact that we have another child, also a girl, who may want to play with these toys in a year or so. So I go back and forth on what to keep and what to donate. Sometimes sneaking things out under the cover of night when The Babe is asleep and stealthily putting the boxes in the trunk to drop them off, where she cannot see them. 

I will say that our message to our family to buy our children less stuff has been heard. Recent holiday and birthday gifts have been more along the lines of memberships for activities, movie tickets and gift certificates. It's hard to give people ideas for non-stuff gifts. Clothes can be good, but only for the older one as the younger one has more than enough hand-me-downs. 

Back to the purge, sigh. How do we do it? We can tell her the old toys are helping other kids, but how do we show her where the toys go and how they can help? She's 3, not 10. Will she really understand? She doesn't understand why she should share with her sister, or why Annie's Bunnies cannot be eaten for every meal, so I'm not sure she will grasp the concept of service and goodwill.

Share with me your tips, tricks and funny stories about how you deal with the toy clutter and purge in your house.

~ H

The nine circles of Costco hell

If only Dante had known how applicable his famous text would be to the act of taking two children under three to Costco for groceries. Everytime I venture out to Costco with the girls, I find myself saying (not yelling, never yelling) "this is an exercise in patience girls!" before I have even parked the car. Oh the parking limbo dance you do at Costco! Will this be the lane where you spy a coveted end spot, only to find an oversized SUV hugging the line so tightly there is no way you could open your door, let alone manage the gymnastics it would take to get your child out of their car seat. So you drive and drive until you find someone inching, creeping, crawling out of a spot in the first three lanes by the entrance and you call it a win. "Yesssss!" with a fist pump in the air.

But that is where the wins end my friend, because now, as you look around in envy as other shoppers simply grab a cart on their way in and breeze by the greeters without a care in the world, you decide which of the two options you have is the least unappealing. Do you strap one child into the cart, wrestling with her to get her legs in the right slots without breaking her tibia and then strapping the other smaller child into an ergonomically friendly carrier which will not allow you to grab large boxes or taste anything hot and delicious? Or do you take the stroller with the baby in the seat and the toddler riding shotgun on the glider board, which limits a normal grocery shop to 20 items, but a Costco shop to three?

Neither choice is a great one, believe me.

Once you've managed to tie everyone down and get through the door (and not gouge anyone's eye out in the process), toddlers' eyes light up with every possibility they see before them. Costco, by its very nature, is a physical manifestation of gluttony. Huge hunks of meat, bags of popcorn the size of a 2-year-old and 1,000 roll packs of toilet paper? Yes please! And if you're a toddler, why not try to scale those packs of TP and hide behind flats of tomato sauce? I mean, why not give mom or dad a heart attack by disappearing into the black hole that is an empty space in the housewares aisle? And while they're at it, they might as well take up camp in the shed display near the bread, because lord knows you are not getting past that one without some sort of a negotiation.

I'm not sure which sin comes out more when doing the actual shopping - greed or lust? Does she need a full princess dress up set (that should read "another") or a 100 pack box of chocolate milk? According to the toddler, she needs it, she wants it, she must have it. As she lays out on the floor or halfway out of the cart wailing when you don't put it in the cart, angry and violent "I WANT IT!!!", all pride goes out the window and you cannot get to the cashier's line fast enough. Don't worry, you're nearly there. You just need to get through the separation drama which comes at checkout time.

"Almost done," you think, "I can do this," you whisper, as your eyes glaze over and you contemplate a drive-thru treat for yourself and maybe even the kiddos if you're feeling generous. But one little hand, one chubby reaching creeping baby hand is out of the carrier before you can say boo and has grabbed ahold of the $10 organic salsa and in slow motion horror the hand pulls the salsa off the conveyor belt and did you know that hard plastic shatters just like glass when dropped from the right height? You thought you were all on the same page, the same team, the same side trying to all get out alive but no, treachery has occurred and you are staring the enemy in the face, all six teeth and dimply grins of it. 

As you finish your walk of shame out the door, there is a light at the end of the storm. The greeter at the door who puts happy faces on the receipt! Never have you lusted for someone so much in this moment! Someone who can turn it all around, turn those frowns upside down with the simple swipe of a Sharpie :) You give the privilege of holding the receipt to the toddler, who can barely contain her excitement on route but then turns mute when the destination is reached.

You all emerge from the store and as you load the jumbo prawns and one million packs of wipes into the car, you swear this time will be the last. It's not worth it, you think, I just lost years off my life. And it's not worth it. Until you run out of milk and diapers and wipes and toilet paper. Then the circle begins again. Thank goodness for the samples. 

~ H

P.S. I know I missed Heresy and Fraud. But I got the rest. So cut me some fricking slack ;)

Taking a leap

I did it. I made a choice. Or rather, we made a choice. As a couple, as a family. Yesterday I gave notice that I would not be returning from maternity leave. A flood of emotions has been washing over me. I'm terrified and happy and sad and scared. I cannot believe I left a job with benefits, something many people would literally die for. I cannot believe I thought benefits might tip the scales to keep me satisfied in a role I have outgrown. I took the leap because waiting on the edge of the cliff was exhausting, mentally and physically. We couldn't have anymore conversations, I couldn't make anymore budgets, I just had to take action and see how it all unfolds.

Choosing to stay at home with my children while I look for work has changed the course of our lives, according to one of my friends. She is right. I have made a conscious decision to put my career on pause for a little while, though I won't stay I've jumped completely off the ladder. The beauty of my field is the contract market, should you choose to market yourself. Now I have the ability to work in different areas (photography, writing, editing, social media management) on my own schedule. The chance to spend more time making these and these. The opportunity to perhaps take an online course or two. So many doors and so many windows.

I have never left a job without having another one, except for my post-college summer break right after I finished my Bachelor's degree. But as I write that I think "I have another job! It's being a mom!" I'm not leaving to sit on the couch and eat bon bons (although I do have a box of Maui Caramacs on the counter which are calling my name). I will be colouring, painting, exploring nature and checking out Science World and the zoo. We will be swimming and having playdates and learning more counting and singing songs. We will be going to the library to get our weekly stamps for summer reading club and checking out what's going on around town. I will be helping to run my husband's growing business. I will learning. And should an opportunity to work out of the house come up and it fits with our family, we will explore that too.

A big thank you to those who been listening ears, who have offered advice or told me about your own decision and challenges. I haven't been able to talk to everyone who has offered, because in the end I needed to take some time to think about what I want, what my husband wants, what our girls are needing right now. But everyone's kind words have been in my heart.

Enough with this, let's move on. Next week's post will be about the trials of a Costco shop with two kids. Back to the funny already!

~ H

Know when to fold em

I am facing a dilemma. As maternity leave draws to a close, my future as a working mom hangs in the balance. I am at a crossroads. I applied for a management position and didn't get it, based on two specific areas of experience, so my options are to stay in my current role and most likely gain no more experience in those areas while paying the cost of full-time daycare for two children, or leave my job and stay home for the next year and two months until The Babe is in Kindergarten and childcare costs drop dramatically but it creates a hole in my resume, or leave my current role and begin full-time job hunting for something where I can continue to gain the experience I need and want and if found, decide whether or not to put the kids in full-time daycare or have my husband stay home until school begins. No path is right or wrong, black or white, and each has its pros and cons.

To say it is consuming me would be an understatement. I play out each scenario as I am brushing my teeth, flipping the laundry and planning my next few weeks. I am creating budgets, reading articles and consulting a few people who have been in this scenario before. On the one hand, I read somewhere that if you have been lucky enough to receive a post-secondary education, you owe it to the institution to follow through and use that education. Which to me means working in my field. On the other hand, countless people have taken me aside over the last year and told me that you don't get this time back, your babies are only babies once. That if I have the opportunity to stay home for a little while, I should seriously consider doing it.

I am reading article after article about the mass exodus of educated women leaving the workforce after becoming mothers and I feel a kinship to this unnamed mass. With no family nearby to take care of our girls during the day, daycare is the only choice. Our daycare is on the more expensive end, but it works for our lives and we have a bond with the staff, which is worth the money. Changing daycares to save money so I stay in my current role is not the way my priorities work. I have yet to explore the freelance and contract world, this is on my task list for next week.

I feel as though I have spent the last two days in a fog, not entirely present for my husband and the girls. I am sad and confused. But perhaps this is a good thing. It is forcing me to sit down and work out exactly what my priorities and goals are. It is forcing me to write about it, always a cathartic process. As I go through this weekend, Father's Day weekend, I will be thinking about my own parents and the decisions they made. I will spend the weekend with friends and family and then I will approach next week with clarity and a positive outlook.

If you have found yourself in a similar situation, please feel free to weigh in with your process and outcome here.

~ H

Tummy troubles

I have a tummy. I would love to say it came from my babies, but that would be a lie. It has been there for as long as I can remember, smaller and larger depending on my workout regime, diet and alcohol intake. It is something I struggle with daily because, on the one hand, I want my girls to embrace their bodies and love all their parts so I should too, but on the other hand I could follow and share the advice that if you don't like something, try to change it. I have never done anything for a consistent amount of time to reduce my tummy, so I am not sure that I would still have one if I did. But here I stand, constantly battling with my wardrobe in the morning: do I dress to hide it, picking drapey shirts or ones with strategic gathers, or do I say "this is me" and wear a form fitting t-shirt or tank top? I hate to think my daughters may go through this same dilemma. It is such a useless dilemma to ponder. I hate to think my daughters would go through it because they saw me go through it.

Which brings me to the reason behind he dilemma in the first place. Between #fitfam hashtags, Whole30 lifestyles and Crossfit converts I am bombarded with ways to change my shape - if I choose to. But should I? I can work to change what appears to be my forever body type or I can work to embrace my body exactly how it is. Neither option seems right or wrong, just different forms of self-love. Working your body at the gym or spend the time with my family. Eat whatever I want (donuts, cheese, more donuts) or stick to trying new recipes for lentils and veggies in the kitchen (not kale, never again, not even as chips loaded with salt). I could go the rec centre gym, work with a trainer twice a week while The Babe is at preschool and put Baby Macaroni in the babysitting room they have. But that is my only one-on-one time with her, and there is also a nap in there. And is that really how I want to spend my time? Slaving away without my kids to be more comfortable in my own skin? I want to be more comfortable in my own skin period. I want to look in the mirror and say "damn! I like what I see!" It shouldn't just be my husband saying ;) I need to say it too. But I would love to be active with my kids in a way that is fun and fat-burning at the same time.

If abs are made in the kitchen, how much stock should I put in enjoying my food? Are grilled chicken salads and steel cut oats the way I should be going? I wouldn't say we eat badly. There is almost always a protein, a veg and a carb option for dinner. Some nights it is two veg and no carbs! But we definitely use salt and butter and portion sizes are not a huge priority. I incorporate a meatless meal once a week and I frequently make egg muffins for a quick breakfast. Post-dinner TV snacks almost always happen as well.

I think what I am most concerned with is not having a stance. Embrace or work for what you want? I want my girls to like what they see when they look in the mirror. Powerful arms, jelly bellies or larger feet - I just hope they like what they see. 

~ H

The snacks

I recently read a list of things I didn't know about being a parent before I became one and one thing resonated more than the rest. The snacks! Seriously! At least twice a week I get out of the house and arrive at a toddler-focused activity to be greeted with "Mom I'm hungry". To which I silently respond with the F word. Out loud I say, "I'll see what's in my bag". 

You know what's in my bag? Nothing! Because I forgot to restock the snacks. Again. I never knew how many snacks in so many different forms I would need when I became a mom. I need dry snacks, savoury snacks, sweet snacks and water. I also need snacks for me, and now I need small snacks for the baby. 

They can't be just any snacks either. They cannot be granola bars for The Babe, she would rather starve. They cannot be squeeze pouches, because she will take two squeezes and declare she is finished. Raisins are hit and miss (I get that). Graham bunny crackers used to be on the no fly list, but I believe they have been allowed back into the rotation. I feel like toddler snacks could be seen as a parental draft pick. You buy a box, invest the money, and ride out the season to see which kind rises to the top and which gets benched one week in. 

Heaven forbid I toy with the idea of buying Welcher's fruit juice snacks - those set my mommy guilt rating at a level 5 red. The desire (need, societal expectation) to make my own snacks is overwhelming, but most of the time when I do, The Babe not-so-politely tells me my coconut flax seed energy balls are gross and she wants cheesy bunny crackers. Or I make delicious ants on a log and she proceeds to pick the ants off and scrape out the peanut butter with her finger, leaving a hollow log and dead ants on her plate. AAAAAHHHHH! I am stuck in the 7 levels of snack purgatory hell and I cannot find the Ritz mini sandwiches to get me out of here.

Of course Pinterest is both my friend and my enemy on this front. On the one hand, there are endless pins of "30 Snacks For Your Toddler" which serve as a helpful inspiration when I am in a rut. Single serving hummus and baby carrots? Love it! Thanks for the idea! However it also sets my expectations widely out of reach - see energy ball reference above. Even now, as I write this, I am looking at a box of almost too ripe kiwis on my counter and wondering if I could make fruit roll ups out of them. Then I laugh at myself, remembering I do not have 3 hours to sit around with my oven on low once I am finished peeling, blending, squishing, and spreading out these ripe kiwis on a baking sheet to be later cut up and tied with a colourful rope of which I do not own and would need to make a trip to Michael's for. Harrumph.

I'm looking for feedback on this one people. Are you in snack hell or finger food heaven? What is your go-to snack stash? Do you make your own...(fill in the blank here and it's okay if you write wine)?

~ H